It's been a while.
I couldn't get myself to sit down in front of the computer and write something. Work has taken most of my day time and when you spend so much time in front of the computer typing stuffs (not blogging, of course), to repeat the process in your personal time doesn't sound so relaxing. Besides, I felt there was not much to talk about.
There wasn't a particularly good or bad day, if you ask me. Everything seemed to pass by in a steady pace, not too fast, not too slow, nothing so memorable. I wonder if I'm trying to keep my mind from experiencing intense feelings. I wonder if it's inner peace I'm longing for, or if I'm only running away from real emotions.
I joined a beauty contest for the first time in my life, celebrating my 25th birthday showcasing my more glamorous side on stage alongside 19 other beautiful girls. It was something different. It was hard work, intense competition, and a lot of stress. But at the end of it all, I found the most important thing that I've known all along: self-confidence. Sometimes, you need to go through a different path to realize what you've already had or known and appreciate it more.
A connection was ended, just as suddenly as it was formed. Intense feelings as there were, I thought I would be hurt. But I wasn't. I faced my feelings, then let them go. There is no point hanging on to something that has passed.
I attempted meditation, cut down on pointless social events, late-night partying and drinking. Health benefits aside, it also gives me more personal space to figure out what I want and I don't want, who I am - as opposed to what I should and should not do, or who I should be. I don't want to run after social superficiality not knowing my identity. You can buy all things designers, dine at the most expensive places, impress everyone with your seemingly perfect life, but all those are meaningless if you do not know yourself. You will still come back home feeling empty.
Having money isn't bad. Having ambition isn't bad. But not knowing yourself is bad.
Pachelbel - Canon